Life

30, Male and Single (Spurmo)… a Dying Breed?

By Brad Groux ⋅ May 27, 2008 ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ Post a comment

I had the pleasure of reading a hilarious (yet sadly accurate) article from the Times Online this morning regarding single guys over the age of thirty and how we are a dying breed. If you’ll notice I’ve decided to include myself into the spurmo subculture even though technically I won’t be thirty for six more months. Danger; we are indeed a dying breed. I see my fellow spurmo’s being picked off left and right at an alarming rate… and soon enough I’ll be forced to hang with a fresh crop of college grads because all of my “older” friends will be at home tending to their very own Brady Bunch.

Look, I’m not going to lie… I don’t mind being single and actually most of the time I love it. Truthfully, most of my friends make it easy for me, after watching their relationships I’d never wish that on my own worst enemy, much less myself. I see my friends going through all of the pains of a relationship and I sit back on my lazy ass running around my bachelor pad toying with all of my expensive electronics and three flat panel televisions in a spoiled drama-free life. I order pizza far too often, go grocery shopping once every fiscal quarter and pay someone else to clean my house. I guess now that I reflect back I should be as happy as a kid in a candy store…

You know what? Damn women to hell! Seriously, if they didn’t have to stroll in looking all beautiful and smelling perfect I could go about my blissful and peaceful life and be none the wiser… but no, they have to go around spreading their commie propaganda that I can’t truly be happy while all alone. I probably wouldn’t be so spiteful about the whole thing if it was easier to meet real honest-to-God women, but finding a good woman this day and age is like asking for a cure for cancer, AIDs and heart disease all at the same time. Frankly I’d rather punch myself in the junk than even think about it.

I know most people will read this diatribe and think they have me locked down to a classic case of commitment phobia but that is the furthest thing from the truth. The truth is, I’d love to fall hook line and sinker for the woman of my dreams if for no other reason than I don’t want to be collecting Social Security while my kids are still in high school… I’m not getting any younger you know. I’m all for the gung-ho relationship with the right woman but let’s be honest, I have better luck winning the MegaMillions Jackpot… which is just a mere 175,711,536 to 1 shot.

I don’t want to sound overly-cynical as the purpose of this post was to point out the sheer hilarity of the Times Online article but I’m at my wit’s end here. I’m done searching for the right woman; I’ve tried just about everything… I’m a decent enough looking guy, make decent money, own a nice car, nice condo, and am what I consider a good catch. I’ve tried internet dating, meeting new friends and even church as of late to no avail. I guess I’ll just follow the wisdom of the article and wait until some of the women that spurned me before get to be in their mid-thirties and desperate… which is fine with me as I have another expensive gadget purchase with my name on it anyway.

Tags: Marriage, Spurmo